Just the reading anything negative made me mad.
Reading anything positive made me sad and then mad.
You see, my grandpa passed away last Wednesday. My Mom's Dad.
I'll spare you the drama surrounding his death and believe you me, lots of that happened.
I've tried to avoid talking about it but I need to. I need to ramble.
It's weird to me that I've reached that age that my grandpa is old enough to pass away. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. I mean, I get that it's part of life but aside from distant relatives and people I knew of, this is the first death close to me.
If you read Monday's post about taking more pictures, this is what I was referring too.
I was so heartbroken when I went to look for pictures of him only to discover a few blurry ones here and there.
My heart aches. I haven't seen him since before we went to Alaska back in 2009. Maddie was a tiny baby, Fin was only 1. I looked forward to seeing him this summer.
He'd just informed Courtney (my sister) that if for some reason we (David, the kids and I) weren't able to go up to Tennessee for Courtney's college graduation (next weekend) that he would be stopping by our house on his way up to Tennessee (from Florida) and then again on his way home (if he didn't get to visit long enough the first time) whether we liked it or not. I laughed and cried. I told Courtney that he'd have been more than welcome! It's just so crazy to think that her graduation is next weekend and I've have gotten to see him for the first time in years.... Only now I won't.
At first I was just so mad. So angry. So hurt. So hurt for my mom. So sad that I hadn't seen him. So sad that the last time he'd seen the kids other than a few pictures was when they were tiny babies and he'd never even met baby Owen.
Then I was angry that I still had to make dinner and that life still went on.
For days I was just mad at the world. Mad that mom still had to go to work, mad the Courtney had to work, mad that Kayla was in France, mad that I was so far away from my family, mad that I still had to take Fin to school. I even picked him up early Wednesday and Thursday just to avoid having to talk to people.
Now though, now I'm thankful that life still goes on. Don't get me wrong, I'm still so heartbroken about it, but I'm thankful that I'm not just sitting around bawling my eyes out. I'm thankful that I had to grocery shop today, etc etc.
My heart hurts most for mom though. That's her Dad. HER DAD! I can't imagine the hurt she's going through right now.
Then to top it off, his brother just passed away.
That whole "death happens in three" thing is really worrying me.
14 comments:
Oh, I know that this is the sort of experience where nobody can really relate to how you're feeling at the moment and make you feel much better, but my heart is hurting for you right now. I wish I had the words to say to make your pain a little more bearable. Instead, just know I'll be thinking of you and sending some extra love and peace your way
I'm so sorry lover :( I can't imagine the pain and how hard it's been but if you need to talk I'm here! Life is so precious and sometimes we can't do anything but hold our babies tighter and cherish everything we can. I'll be thinking and praying for your family xoxo
Amber!!! You poor thing! If you need a vent session, I'm here 24/7! Love ya! Can't wait to see you soon! :)
I'm so so sorry for your family's loss Amber. I hope y'all can find the healing you need. I'm here if you need to talk. And you're right, you gotta take all the pictures you can. You'll need them some day.
I am so sorry for your losses Amber.
I know the feeling of knowing your grandpa can day any day now. Seeing my grandfather at the age of 89 now and not remember any of us is really hard. Not having him talk so much is weird. It is going to be a sad day when he passes. He was so much a part of my life as a child.
So sorry for your loss. I went through this twice plus my dad died in a three month span about a year ago. It is hard to find the positives again, but they are there. Remember the good times.
Good thoughts sent your way.
Sending love, thoughts & prayers to you guys.
xoxo
I am so sorry for your loss! Thinking of you and your family!
So sorry friend :( Death is never easy. It sucks. And it's ok to be mad. Hope your heart can start to mend soon. I know it will always have a scar.
Amber I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Let yourself feel what ever you need to feel now. Hold on to the loved ones you have close, and try to think of the good memories. Your Grandpa sounds like a great guy.
Holly
My condolences to your whole family. On the plus side, it's amazing that you got to know him as an adult. All four of my grandparents passed away when I was 11/12 years old, and I've always regretted not getting the chance to spend time with them and know them. That you could and did is a blessing, for you and for him. :)
Don't worry about the death in threes thing....worry will only steal the joy of today. *hugs*
Sorry for your loss Amber. All I can tell you is that in time you will be able to think back to him and smile. But for now, just know that lots of people are thinking of you.
I'm so sorry, Amber. It's even worse when the military keeps us from family we love- it doesn't seem fair. I understand the "mad" part, for sure.
:( Im sorry sweet friend.
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