The “joys” of pregnancy.

*Warning*If you don’t care to read about peeing on yourself, your vagina falling off, boobs leaking or other not so attractive things, you should stop reading right now.

If you read my blog or follow me anywhere, you know that I am pregnant.
Like very very pregnant.

A while back I posted a tweet about sneezing so hard but NOT peeing on myself only to get one back about someone being not so lucky.
That turned into a conversation about the shit people don’t tell you while you’re growing a baby.
So I’m going to fill you in on a bit of that.
This is my third pregnancy, I think I’m pretty well experienced in this department now and fully capable of filling you guys in.

So I’m sitting here last night watching Gossip Girl and I pause it to get up and get my 29382348902834th glass of water (because at this point it is nearly impossible to stay hydrated, I’m sweating my ass off. -Even though I live in Alaska and it’s WINTER and all our snow melted today, so bipolar much, Alaska?!) and in my efforts to get off the couch, I laughed and thought “now would be the perfect time to write the blog about the JOYS of pregnancy”. So I grabbed my water and a milky way mini or 7.
Here goes:
I am 35 weeks pregnant with baby #3.
And I swear the more babies you have, the more pregnant you feel sooner.
With my 1st I don’t even remember being miserable.
With my 2nd I was probably 7/8 months pregnant when I called my mommydearest into the bathroom to have her look at my overly swollen lady parts and tell me it was normal.
Now with baby O, I swear by like month 4 or 5 I felt like this baby was just going to fall out of me. FALL OUT OF ME!

Nobody warns you that you will have random boob leakage in the middle of cooking dinner and be all like “What the eff was that shit?!”

Nobody warns you that you will need a crane to help you roll over in bed.  No joke, I swear half of my tossing and turning and trying to sleep at night is because by the time I finally get rolled over, I’m like wide awake.

Hormones make you crazy. I literally ask AT LEAST once a week, “am I just being hormonal or is this justified bitchiness” and usually the people I ask agree that they’re mad/annoyed by it too and it’s not just hormones so that’s reassuring. (Or they just don’t want to be on the receiving end of the hormones, who knows.)
You’ll feel overwhelmed, you’ll have mini freak outs about dirt poisoning, you’ll cry at dumb commercials, you’ll be mad for no reason, then you’ll randomly laugh at yourself while crying for not knowing why you’re laughing or crying.

You’ll have days that you do nothing but sit your bum on your couch and beg to not move and you’ll have days that you cook three meals, clean house top to bottom, run a million errands and manage to play 3 games of hide & seek and paint/color with your other kids.

Your hair and nails will either become amazingly beautiful or look like complete shit.
You’ll grow hair in weird places that people will tell you to ignore because it will go away. (and it will, but still!)
Your baby WILL use your bladder as a trampoline and will kick the living daylights out of you.

You will be jealous of other pregnant people that clearly look better than you (even though they really probably don’t) and you will slightly feel better when you hear/read about them them being pretty uncomfortable.

You will probably cry when someone tells you how cute you look.

You will get annoyed when people tell you how tiny you still are-even if you are really pretty tiny.

You will get annoyed with all the “you’re not due til when?! Girl, you look like you’re about to pop!”

You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to yell at random strangers, “HAVE YOU EVER GROWN A FUCKING BABY!?!? EACH PREGNANCY IS DIFFERENT AND YOU WILL GET HUGE BECAUSE YOU ARE GROWING A HUMAN!! SO PLEASE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”

You will become very very grateful for the people that ASK to rub your belly.
People, ALWAYS ASK!!!!!! ALWAYS!
You have no idea how many times I’ve wanted to slap some stranger’s face hand.

People will argue with you left and right about how you’re carrying a girl after they’ve already asked if you know the sex and you’ve said, “yes. it’s a BOY”.  <—this one happens often.

And once baby gets here, people will mistake your little girl wrapped all in pink and purple with a big giant flower on her head for a boy.
And people will mistake your covered in blue little boy for a little girl. <—Just smile and nod.

Oh and gas….. you won’t be able to control it.  You just don’t.
I’m drinking water the other day and driving down the road and burping like crazy.  Can’t help it.
My handsome man is always like, “Mom! Say excuse me!”  (Ha! I’ve raised him well)

You will have people that treat you like you’re the most fragile thing in the world and you’ll have days that you appreciate it and you’ll have days that you want to say, “I’m pregnant. Not Porcelain”

You will lay in bed at night debating on whether or not you want to get up to pee. You know that you’ll feel a million times better if you just go pee, but it’s so hard to get out of bed….

To list a few other things you’ll deal with:
Constipation,
begging for some constipation,
peeing peeing and more peeing,
weird skin discoloration,
Shopping for baby stuff—seriously, so many different brands/types/colors/etc, etc, etc
questions and negative comments, whether you’re formula feeding or breastfeeding, cloth diapering or using disposable, vaccinating or not, cosleeping or not, you’ll have someone disagree with you for something.
And you will get the most unwanted advice from complete strangers that don’t even have children. And people will tell you to nap when the baby naps—psht. like that really happens! Then NOTHING would ever get done and you’d never even sneak in a shower.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being pregnant. It is the most amazing thing in the entire world and such a blessing but I wanted to clear up a few things and warn some of you of the not so joyous side of it too. *Side note*: I only ate 6 of those milky way minis.